Domestic violence has at least two sides. One is visceral, physical, impulsive and vicious. When that level kicks in the only response is to take whatever means necessary to stop it.

However, the recently heightened debate has remained fixated on the urgency of the violence. That keeps our national focus on punishment - of the abuser who is almost exclusively and, therefore erroneously, viewed as the male.

The other side, which receives almost no serious attention, is prevention and ultimate resolution. It receives almost no serious attention, because the roots of domestic violence can only be found in the co-created, interpersonal relationship dynamics between both people that foster the violence. Solutions will emerge only from an unbiased look at how the two people are participating in a situation of ongoing brutality. That, however, is politically incorrect, and the denial surrounding co-responsibility is enormous.

There are those who claim that domestic violence "occurs unexpectedly, with little warning, even for people who are in long term relationships and supposedly 'know' one another." That is simply not the case. According to Lenore Walker, Ph.D., a feminist psychologist who made the idea of "learned helplessness" part of the diagnosis of the woman's role in domestic violence, women interviewed in shelters describe a process that has three distinct stages: 1) the tension building stage where both persons sense the oncoming eruption; 2) the battering incident when the violence erupts; 3) the remorseful stage in which both parties express sorrow for what took place. There is an entire phase of warning, especially for the people who have tuned their awareness and responses to the violence. Furthermore, in most cases, the violence is present during the courtship, although not as severe as it later becomes.

We have been asked, "Do men and women marry people knowing full well that they may wind up beaten or killed?" The answer is yes. The proof is in the recidivism rates for both men and women who either return to the abusive relationship or leave it only to resume the violence with a new partner.

Some women take the position that "hope springs eternal" for people in love and they shouldn't be held accountable for the abusive spousal choices they make. That is precisely the kind of romantic notion that men and women cling to and use to seduce themselves into staying in relationships in which there is abundant evidence that they should leave. Often friends and parents try to intervene, but, when "hope springs eternal" obvious dangers are overlooked, denied and women tell themselves something like, "If I just love him enough, he'll change." By the way, battered men say exactly the same kinds of things. What is needed in situations of verbal and physical abuse and danger is not romantic fantasy but a critical and self- protective assessment of the facts followed by a decision based on those facts.

To avoid confronting evidence of women's violence against men, many women's advocates argue that men are stronger and do more damage. Although there are many men who are not stronger, generally men are taller and stronger than women. The facts are, however, that women initiate violence against men in roughly equal numbers (women 24% and men 27%) with both sexes mutually the rest of the time. To offset men's larger physiques, women more often use weapons than do men (82% of women, 25% of men). A woman with a knife, scissors, gun, lamp, frying pan and the like can be very dangerous and damaging.

We suggest that you, the reader, ask your friends and acquaintances. How many of them know situations in which women have battered men? Even though verbal and psychological abuse can inflict a deep wound, if not deeper, than some physical violence (if you have been emotionally wounded in your life, you know what we are talking about), keep your inquiry based on physical violence. We would like to know what you discover.

The belief that "men are more likely to act out their anger in a physically violent way" is a cliche. Women, more and more women during the last thirty years, are just as capable of acting out physically. In fact, when they do, most men, who have been taught "never to hit a woman" are rendered powerless because they must retrain themselves. Our culture teaches boys and young men that to be a "real man" they have to be able to take it, and especially take it from a woman. Multiple studies obtain statistics that support the fact that women act out their anger in a physically violent way frequently and especially with family members. For example:

• 55% of son/daughter murders involved a female killer;
• 41% of spousal murders involved a female killer;
• 33% of family murders involved a female killer;
• 18% of parent murders involved a female killer;
• 15% of sibling murders involved a female killer.

The media continues to attribute control and domination solely to men. If we are honest with ourselves we all know that women are just as controlling and dominating in their ways as are men. Yet, what is it in our society, for women and men alike, that continues to protect women and our national awareness from the truth about woman's dark side?

Another myth would have us believe that abusive men are treated more leniently by the courts. Everyone has at least one horror story on both sides of this issue. Most often, those cases have a National Enquirer flavor and make all the news broadcasts. The fact is that many women get off just as frequently. One reason is that, as a culture, we have a deep commitment to the belief that women are helpless and innocent (which, by the way, victimizes and infantalizes them) and, as a consequence, police admit they are less likely to believe that women can be violent and almost always look to the man, regardless of the actual circumstances.

Domestic violence is a two way street. As long as women refuse to take responsibility for their participation, they will remain disempowered and completely dependent upon men to change. Is that what women really want?

Domestic violence should not be tolerated. It must be faced and prevented. We must look clearly and fearlessly at the dance women and men create that allows for and sustains that violence. Male bashing and protection of women's innocence only perpetuate the problem.

Sadly, we are a long way from teaching and learning the lesson of co-responsibility, co-accountability, and the mutuality of all long-term relationships, whatever their dynamics. And that is what is needed to prevent domestic violence.

From the AFC Library

Stuart A. Miller - Senior Legislative Analyst
American Fathers Coalition
2000 Pennsylvania Ave., N.W., Ste. 148
Washington, D.C.  20006   

Men's Issues